The Green Food Strike

As most of you are probably aware by now, my kids are pretty crap picky eaters. That’s right. As a mother I have failed to make vegetables fun and fruit smoothies that actually taste good.  So it won’t surprise you to find out that The Kid won’t eat any vegetables and only eats bananas, pears and apples.  

Whoops.

So when The Baby came along, I lived in hope that the allotted fruit and vegetable gene distribution would be kinder to me this time and start dishing out some love. No such luck.

And so it pains me to say it but we’ve been having a 1 in 3 success rate with The Baby’s green to beige plate ratio, which of course only means one thing. Both Spratts are going to get scurvy and have mutant babies of their own. 

But why? I did everything right. I weaned them on gag inducing pea puree and chip shaped sweet potatoes. (Ok, and the odd bit of cheesy pasta bake and Wotsits.)  

If only I could ask them what the hell is going on in their crazy brains right now…..

Me: So errr, I was wondering girls, why don’t you eat any fruit and vegetables anymore?

The Kid: I hate anything and everything green mummy. Except green ice lollies and play doh.

The Baby: What she said. You know how it is when you’re 2 years old. Why put food in your mouth when you can try a table leg or part of daddy’s belt?  

Me: Most other kids at least eat fruit you know…

The Kid: Those kids are weak.  

Me: Eating all your fruit and vegetables will make you grow big and strong. Like Daddy.  

 The Baby: Screw Daddy.

 Me: Most baby books suggest that….

 The Kid: Hate books.

Me… should eat at least five fruit and vegetables a day.

 The Kid: Goodness woman! Get a grip! We aren’t eating anything that looks green/purple/orange or red. Maybe even yellow if the feeling takes us.  

Me: You’d feel a lot better if you did you know.

 The Baby: And you’d feel better if you just stopped banging on about it. And all this ‘here comes the fire engine’ in that twat of a voice makes you sound like a dick. Soz.

 Me: I wish someone would cook ME healthy meals…

The Kid: Here we go again…’boo hoo for you’. If you don’t stop complaining, then I’ll stop drinking those smoothies Grandma makes too.

Me: All right all right, lets not be to hasty here. I was just commenting that at three and two….

The Baby: Oh cut the crap lady. We know your game here.

Me: I don’t know what you mean sweetie?

The Kid: Yeah. We see you nervously clutching your phone ready to Google “how to get my kids to poo quickly” again. I haven’t been for three days now! Go me!

Me: I know darling. We can smell you from a mile away. See if you just ate your veg… and anyway, you make Googling sound like a luxury!

The Baby: Well isn’t it?

 Me: Err yes but…

 The Kid: What’s your game plan here? Hoping we both take a shit before we get in the car? Or are you bored of the twenty-minute toilet musical statues I make you play?

The Baby: Or my sudden need to wriggle my legs uncontrollably? 

 Me: I’m only ever thinking of you two!

The Kid: Well, I’m not eating anything that isn’t beige and covered in ketchup.

 The Baby: And don’t bother trying to grate them all up or hide them in Spag Bols. I’ll just go f*cking mental and chuck the cutlery at my sister and throw myself out my chair again. Try explaining that away to A&E this time!

Me: Okay….

The Kid: So let us make this crystal clear for you. We eat all kinds of food for Grandma, including mashed stuff. We don’t eat anything that looks or smells healthy at home. ESPECIALLY if you’ve spent an hour cooking it. Got it?

Me: Well sort of yes, but, er, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to switch it round every so often?

The Baby: No. Well now that’s sorted….

The Kid: The park!

 The Baby: But I wanted soft play…

The Kid: I SAID THE PARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Me: Sweethearts, it’s the weekend and blowing a gale. We’re going to be flipping cold at the park and I hate soft play.  

The Baby: Shoes. On. Now.   

Me: FFS

 

 

7 Things All Gross Couples Really Do

They say you’re never more relaxed then when you’re in a relationship….

1.Telling each other that you’ve just had a really good poo. 

It is strangely satisfying.

2. Probing each other’s bodies for spots, blackheads and white hairs.

And squishing them till they pop.

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#NoFilter Week 2

Well howdy No Filter crew, welcome to our second instalment of #NoFilter, the linky for all your no bullshit parenting posts; sharing the highs and deep down lows on what it’s really like to be in charge of little spratts.

Of course, i couldn’t do all this alone, so i’ve roped in the hilariously funny Suzanne (And Another Ten Things) to help me out.

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The Unsung Mum and Petty Parenteral Expectations

The Unsung Mum woke this morning feeling pretty rad. The Spratts between them only woke twice and even though she was awake most of the night wondering if one of them had been Sprattnapped or eaten by zombies, she feels weirdly refreshed.

That changed pretty quickly thought when The Hub mentioned the word ‘Shopping.’

“No,” replies The Unsung Mum. The Unsung Mum hates food shopping with a passion. Unless it’s after eight pm and she can go alone and casually look round the aisles without having to check what The Kid has sneaked into the basket or search every clothing rail for a hidden baby.

“Well I could go alone…”

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#NoFilter Week 1

Well howdy No Filter crew, welcome to our first instalment of #NoFilter, the linky for all your no bullshit parenting posts; sharing the highs and deep down lows on what it’s really like to be in charge of little spratts.

Of course, i couldn’t do all this alone, so i’ve roped in the hilariously funny Suzanne (And Another Ten Things) to help me out.

As this is week 1 and it’s me, we haven’t really thought this through much, but plan on picking our favourite no bull post of the week, then featuring it the following week, who knows, this all may change, i’m crazy like that!

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Review: The Unsung Mum and her Flashy New Shirt

Today The Unsung Mum and her friends MouseMoo&MeToo and And Another Ten Things (Sam and Suzanne in real life) are off to the Big Smoke for a laugh and drink, under the disguise of going to #Blogfest16.

The Unsung Mum is very excited about the prospect of a whole night and day away, but a trip without The Spratts brings its own kind of pressures.

It’s like you have to squash all the adulting you can possibly do in those very precious twenty-four hours. These very intelligent and world-wise women (ahem) planned to get a year’s worth of drink, sleep and cake down their necks without anyone humming the bloody Peppa Pig theme tune or fighting over the use of their mobile phones.

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Mums Let Loose

Whoop! The day has finally arrived. You know the one right? This one event that you’ve been planning for months along with the other 6785 parent bloggers who have paid to attend.

That’s right. It’s Blogfest16 baby!

Well, today is the day and everyone who’s anyone can attend.

Wait. Is that Bridie on the phone?

Never mind girls. Who ever said three’s a crowd probably wasn’t a mum anyway.

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Tutters Lip: Self-Immunisation Strategies

If you’ve watched the news recently (and let’s be honest, you’ve probably got time for such leisure because you don’t have kids) then you’ll know that there is a serious epidemic of Tutters Lip currently spreading across the UK.

Myths and conspiracies include:

The primary trigger point for Tutters Lip is the everyday child. The disease is thought to have started in nice cafes and trendy bistros in the capital where parents are preoccupied with life and temporarily unable to dispense disciplinary tactics. A high number of incidents have been reported where patients have been trying to enjoy a peaceful cup of tea, attempting to run the Waitrose gauntlet avoiding buggy lash, or innocently waiting for the local bus.

Unfortunate symptoms may include emitting a devil stare to the perpetrating child, uncontrollable eye rolling towards the parent, and the blurting of heinous clichés to sleep deprived members of society.

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The Unsung Mum and the Halloween Howler

It’s Saturday afternoon and The Spratts are trying on their Halloween costumes for a friend’s Halloween party later on. The Unsung Mum is weirdly chirpy today, and can’t wait to see her little cherubs in their delightful costumes.

Nothing will break her happy mood. Not even when The Kid changes her mind 34567 times over which costume to wear.

The Unsung Mum is not deterred, though. How hard could it be to find a princess ninja spaceman suit?

Grabbing her trusted phone, she starts to google like a fucking maniac on heat, hoping beyond hope that a local shop might still have a few costumes left on Halloween eve eve. While her little darlings are playing quietly, she frantically opens and shuts the front door hoping that Poundland has mysteriously moved next door to her house.

Crap, it hasn’t.

While making a wholesome lunch for her sweethearts, she overhears them playing together and thinks what lovely children she is raising.

‘Right,’ she thinks. ‘I must look harder.’

While The Spratts sit down and eat ALL their lunch, The Unsung Mum quickly scurries through Pinterest and finds some really great ideas from other top mums.

Here we are, a homemade spaceman princess ninja suit. No, wait a second, that’s a fetish site, how the hell did she get there?

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How to Idly Amuse Your Kids This Half Term

If like me, it feels like the last holiday was only five minutes ago, and you still haven’t reclaimed your sanity or made enough money to support another week off, don’t fret, I’ve got you.

Stupidly, we aren’t going away for half term, something to do with The Hub unable to get the week off work, even though I’ve been drumming the dates into him since the start of term.

Funnily enough, he “forgot” to book half term off. If I was a more suspicious person, I’d think that he forgot on purpose, so he doesn’t have to enjoy the fun that is a full week off with BOTH of his Spratts. I keep wishfully thinking about “forgetting” half term and buggering off somewhere for the week, but as I work from home, I can’t think of a good enough excuse that would get me out of it!

There’re a number of things I CAN’T wait to experience again this week, one of them is the over zealous screaming match over who had their eyes on the Barbie that’s been left in the bathroom for two weeks untouched, the other is the unending requests for food they want but then won’t eat.

So in preparation for all this “fun”, here are some alternative ideas for activities to whittle away the holiday in no time. Because, come on, while day trips are all well and good, sometimes just knocking around at home wearing your ten-year-old purple dressing gown and bean covered PJs is all you or your sad looking bank balance want to do.

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