Relationships

7 Things All Gross Couples Really Do

They say you’re never more relaxed then when you’re in a relationship….

1.Telling each other that you’ve just had a really good poo. 

It is strangely satisfying.

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I Name Thee Shit Week – Guilt From Hell

So, i’ve had a pretty shitty week.

After having my car written off last week, i forgot that its the Euros so have no man support at all apart from the grunts in my general direction and my vocal cords being stuck on “hello…will you help?” twenty four hours a day.

The Kid has done nothing but profess her absolute hatred of me all week, all because I fed her dinner on Tuesday, and it was pasta shapes not  spaghetti.

The Baby has decided that using a nappy is beneath her at the tender age of just one and takes her nappy off every chance she gets. So after another crappy day i hear “Mummy, The Baby has pooed on the sofa.”

At this point I fully understand why some species eat their young.

By Wednesday  i can’t stand the sight of The Hub ’cause he’s been at work all week talking to real people about real things while i’ve been dealing with brat no1 and screamer no2….alone….all fucking day every day!! Maybe it’s the head cold i now have, or maybe it’s my hormones but this week i don’t give a flying fuck and just want to leave adulting behind and go hide for a while.

By Thursday I was crying and swearing blue murder on the phone to my dad about shitty things that are going wrong. He was a man, and just listened to my hate.

To continue my fall from matriarch hood,  The Kid let out the loudest fart I’ve ever heard at the mother in laws then tries her best to blame it on me.

Kid:  “Your bottom is stinky mummy”

What?! It wasn’t me I swear.

Cue me trying to explain that it’s not nice to lie and that mummy’s bottom doesn’t smell……

Why the hell was she clinging to my arse anyway?!

So by Friday I was rather pissed when The Hub did what all men do best; got in late from work with a blasé attitude and headed straight to the shitter for half an hour while I continued to deal with the two wild animals swinging round my feet and the banging headache I couldn’t shift thanks to the cold.

And of course instead of fretting about his dying wife with the cold from hell he decided that he was suddenly ill too, and that its ten times worse then mine because he “has been at work all week” and “can’t just have lunch when he chooses to you know”.

So then I have the guilt.

Guilt that I haven’t fed my kids enough veg, guilt for not shagging my husband in ages, guilt that all I ate all week was pizza, ice cream and my badly made homemade cake.

 My brain is so caught up in all this guilt and shit going on that I can’t work out which event I should feel guiltier over right now.

So fuck it.

This weekend The Hub had an assessment day for work and I’ve tagged along, dumping my wayward non-sleeping kids with my ever patient mother in law who I couldn’t live without.

We need this. I need this. I need this time to clear my mind and remind myself what is really important in this world and what the hell isn’t.

And if he’s lucky. The Hub’s underused and frankly forgotten about dick can come along too.

#MatriarchsRock  #LoveLife #SelfLove

 

 

 

Lost Libido. If Found, Please Return!

Yep, it’s true fellow Matriarchs, I’m a real catch.

Not only do i ignore the unibrow, gorilla legs and lost under the bush vagina, my darn libido has gone awol too. I just can’t be fucked to fuck if I’m honest.

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PK (pre-kids) we’d be doing it like rabbits, where ever and whenever we could. Making the kids NEVER got boring. Not after scheduling the sex due to ovulation or after ten years of being together.

So why now?

I have to admit that after both kids it took us a while to get back on the bandwagon. After the kid, it took me six months to feel able and up for doing it. I mean fuck, a small human just came out of that hole, excuse me for not wanting your penis anywhere near me for a while! Number two was quickly conceived and wanted, but instantly left me with nothing for the Hub. Every time he touched me i would almost squirm inside, which made me hate myself more.

After another three months of no action, he had had enough and wanted answers. How the fuck do you tell the person you love that you just don’t want to shag them? It would be easier if I didn’t love him or fancy him, I did and still do, but just couldn’t stand the touch of him.

So I started to fantasise. About cake. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that?!

Maybe if he dipped it in cake and he let me eat cake while he did me? Would I then look forward to our monthly romps at home, trying to be quiet coz the thought of waking our spawn up feels me with dread.

I don’t have the answers. Hell, I’m putting all this down to sleep deprivation, not enough cake in my life and too much Paw Patrol.

So we keep at it and the Hub gets some lovin’ while secretly giggling each time thinking about what I’d write on my very own lost poster. Lost libido. Last seen four years ago PK. Mint condition. One male owner. Please call 078**34*9** if seen.

In the meantime, the Hub is getting it whenever he can and I’m trying to put a smile on it, but when you’ve seen every hour for the last week, stink of baby shit and just wish for a solo bath, it’s no wonder that even the quick fuck takes a back seat.

As for my libido, fuck it, I play hide and seek enough. Come find me you lazy shitbag, coz when those kids are in bed, I’m not moving my behind for nothing. No even for wine. Or cake. Okay, maybe cake.