Author: The Unsung Mum

When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

Mummy Pig doesn’t get out much now she has kids, but when she does, she gets shitfaced.

She forgets everything, including her long day with her two little darling’s tomorrow.

Poor Mummy Pig.

At 430am Mummy Pig remembers she DOES have children when she stupidly tip toes up the stairs and forgets to jump the squeaky fourth step.

Silly Mummy Pig.

Now Peppa is awake, she wants to know the answers to all the important questions in life, like, why does everyone live on a hill? Why are some animals still, just animals? Why isn’t George’s name alliterated? What happens if Miss Rabbit has kids? Would she be Mummy Rabbit too?

When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

Normally, on a Sunday, Daddy Pig is in charge, but today, he’s off to work over time. It could have something to do with Mummy Pig calling him a twat at 2am when he refused to let her in after she confessed to losing her keys. Again.

Peppa has gymnastics at 9am and George has football at 10, and it looks like it’s up to Mummy Pig to pull her finger out and get them there.

Mummy Rabbit is already waiting at the door, looking swag, while carrying the twins. Rebecca and Richard Rabbit wait patiently by her side, holding hands.

When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

Mummy Rabbit takes her kids to the library while she waits for her eldest. Mummy Pig sits on the floor and gives George her phone, trying not to gag at the smell of all those feet.

Both kids are hungry after a busy morning. Mummy Rabbit orders her kids a healthy smoothie, and asks them to sit down and drink it quietly.

Mummy Pig gives Peppa and George the run of the vending machines, on the condition that they bring her back something yummy and smothered in chocolate.  When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

Mummy Pig is knackered. Nothing pleases her more than thinking about heading home for a snooze on the sofa while the kids watch Bing on repeat. Then Mummy Rabbit lands a shocking blow….

“See you at the teddy bears picnic later.”

What? Fuck.

“What’s she talking about?” Mummy Pig asks Peppa.

“It’s a picnic at preschool mummy, remember? We’re raising money for the new school roof. Again.”

Right.

Mummy shoves everyone into the car and ignores Mummy Rabbit walking all her children to the preschool.

They get to the picnic and everyone is sat down eating. Mummy Pig hasn’t brought a picnic. She’s got a load of old shit from the vending machines and hopes no one notices.

“Sandwich.” George shouts. Mummy Pig tries to calm George by reminding him that normally he hates sandwiches and surely he’d prefer another bag of Monster Munch.

The blend of shouting kids, Quavers and Mummy Rabbit’s hummus gets to much for Mummy Pig and she starts to hallucinate. When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

George is now in full on meltdown mode at the prospect of not having a sandwich that he throws up his chocolate, crisp and Fruit Shoot combo all over one of Mummy Rabbit’s kids expensive lunchboxes.

This is it for Mummy Pig, who passes out in a strange mixture of shame, drunkenness and general hatred for all things kid.

Peppa starts to cry, setting off all the other kids into a high pitched wail.

It’s a good thing that Madam Gazelle is there then!

Madam Gazelle agrees to drive Mummy Pig, Peppa and George home, and sings like an angel to all the nursery rhyme tunes the kids like in the car.

When Mummy Pig Met Drink: A Hangover Tale

Daddy Pig has just arrived home too.

He makes the mistake of mentioning how nice it was that Madam Gazelle drove them all home.

Mummy Pig picks up the nearest object and throws it at his head.

The End.

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School Holidays: How to Keep Your Kids Entertained on a Budget

Imagine this.

It’s the school holidays. Your kids are slowly melting into the sofa playing video games, or they have just attempted their version of the Sistine Chapel on the dining room wall. It’s time to sort something out that’s going to engage them without costing you (or them) an arm or a leg, metaphorically or physically. Rossall School have  some ideas you can do with them that will entertain them and spare your sanity.

Days Out

There are tonnes of places you can go to get out the house for a few hours. If you are on a tight budget, why not go for a walk around your local (or not) park. No doubt there will be a play area for them to wear themselves out in or just a nice woodland stroll. You could visit a castle, a new town, the beach or find a little lake to walk (or bike) around.

If it’s a bleak day and you want somewhere to go with a roof, how about a museum or art gallery. Quite often free entry and always something for everyone there, your kids may just learn something too!

School Holidays: How to Keep Your Kids Entertained on a Budget

If you have a little money to spare for a day out, there’s the cinema, who often do kids clubs, you could take you family for a nice meal out somewhere, or you could find your nearest zoo, safari or sealife centre. If you want something a bit more thrilling, there are plenty theme parks around, and there’s usually promotional deals on either online, in the newspaper or on cereal boxes, etc.

Days In

You don’t need to go far and wide to find something creative to do with your kids during their time off. It may well be that some days they do just want to play on their Playstation, but that’s not to say you can’t get involved too. Pick up a second controller and kill zombies together or replicate your own home in Minecraft together.

Of course, there are other activities you can all do together that don’t involvecomputer games; getting them involved in the kitchen,  cooking is a great skill to teach them whatever age, even a toddler can sit and watch you prepare a meal, but the older they are the more involved they can be and responsibility they can handle. Starting from a batch of biscuits to cooking up the Sunday roast, it will get them learning about eating healthy and  being able to fend for themselves when they are older and independent, not always relying on a takeaway.

Another idea is to let them go wild with their imagination in however form they wish. Get the craft materials out with enough paper (and perhaps a tablecloth) for them to go crazy with. On the other hand, you could have them write a story and read it back to you, or get your phone camera out and have them act out the plot to Jurassic Park or something!

School Holidays: How to Keep Your Kids Entertained on a Budget

 

***Disclosure: This is a sponsored post in collaboration with Rossall. Please refer to my Disclosure Statement for further information. ***

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

So the six-week holiday is almost upon us! Like all wholesome middle-class families, we’re frantically trying to think of ways to keep our brood amused for seven and a half weeks. God only knows why it’s called the “six weeks holiday” but there you go?!

Anyway, you may have visions of spending hot summer days at the beach with your little pumpkins lovingly playing in the sand together, while you sip on your Prosecco ice lolly in peace, quiet and tranquilly, or have dreams of the kids not twating each other over the head every thirty seconds and needing your presence just to breath.

Yeah. You’re deluded. Sorry.

Here’s my debrief on what happened last year, and will dash any hope you have of a pleasant summer of fun.

  1. It will take you 4 hours to pack your car for a 6-hour day trip out and you’ll have 45 different arguments about stupid things before even leaving the house.   20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

2. Going out for the day, anywhere, involves you applying for a payday loan.

3. But you are fun, wild mummy. You are crazy. Unstoppable. Ice creams and Capri-suns for everyone!

4. CRAP! Did you forget that the mystical money tree that your kids think is real doesn’t actually exist? Sad face.

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

5. If you stay close to home, you feel like you could face anything!

6. Then wish you’d gone out after all.

7. Essential supplies start off being fruit, vegetables, and hummus but swiftly turn into crisps, chicken nuggets, and Fruit Shoots.

8. You make a list of all the fun things you want to get done over the holidays.

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

9. Bedtime becomes obsolete. I mean, they’re bound to sleep in right, so who cares!

10. Having a BBQ till 11 pm and drinking Prosecco out of mugs is not cool.

11. Despite going to bed late for 4 nights in a row, the kids will still wake with the sun.

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

12. You will want to kill yourself about 6754 times a day.

13. You power on, because, well, you love your kids right?

14. Technology is your saving grace.

15. Crafts suck.

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

16. Having playdates at your house is for fools. Only stupid people offer. Don’t be a stupid person.

17. Cake is your friend. Always and forever.

18. A forest is a dangerous place.

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

19. Splash time=wine time.

20. You realise that all this happened last year and somehow all the horror was wiped from your memory by one good day.

20 Things I’ve Learnt About Half Term with Kids

Ah. What sweethearts. (Not.)

***Disclosure: This is a sponsored post in collaboration with Cash Lady. Please refer to our Disclosure Statement for further information. ***

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How to Spot You_re Getting Old Pic 1

How to Spot You’re Getting Old

Looking at myself in the mirror, I’m the first to admit I don’t look old. Hell, I’m still doing what I did when I was 21, but with two kids in two.

I still say the word “cool” and listen to Radio One (sometimes on low volume) and feel like I’m down with the kids.

In till recently when I a teen offered to carry my Asda bags to the car as the kids were kicking off and called me ma’am, and you know you’re old when not even the old dears ask you for ID on a Tuesday night for your favourite bottle of Pinot.

On a bad day, I start to see all those white hairs on my vag or a slight balding spot on my scalp. I can recommend NOT Googling vaginal dye by the way.

Of course, not all the changes are physical.

There are many annoying things I now do that I used to call my parents old for:

  1. A trip into New Look now consists of me saying “too tight, too short, too midriff baring or too many holes. What will that cover?”
  2.     2. You go for a run, and hurt like hell for 3 days after.
  3.     3. Realize that a kid born in 2000 is old enough to drive.
  4.     4. You get a recommendation on leggings, and rush to buy them, because Jenny’s Mum recommended them, and she wears make-up in daylight, so they must be cool.
  5.     5. Going shopping for yourself, then only buying clothes for the kids.
  6.     6. Complaining about the crap on TV, and reverting back to re-runs of Friends, because you know you like it.
  7.     7. Getting excited over a new cutlery divider, that actually fits.
  8.     8. Songs from your own childhood have been remixed. Again.
  9.     9. Packing slippers when you go to a friend’s house.
  10.     10. Feel happy when the sun is shining, and imagine how many loads of washing you can get dry today.
  11.     11. Skimming the magazines in the supermarket, and realizing you have no clue who anyone is anymore.
  12. Snapchat. Tinder. Peach? What?
  13. You remember when petrol was below a quid a litre.
  14. You get excited that you’re going round a friends later to live it up. Come 7pm you can’t be fucked to go out and would prefer to stay in and watch EastEnders.
  15. 99% of the parties you go to are now kid’s ones. (Ok, 100%, who am I kidding?!)
  16. On the rare occasions you do go out, you drive, because taxis are expensive.
  17. If you do catch the bus, you end up chatting to kids half your age about your own kids, and think they care.
  18. You get excited when people cancel plans.
  19. Hangovers last for 4 days.
  20. Technology change does your head in.
  21. You buy two of the same product, in the same colour, because you find it comfy.
  22. You wish you brought more to be honest.
  23. You look at those red shopping trollies that old people wheel round, and feel slight envious you don’t have one.
  24. Other peoples kids annoy the heck out of you.
  25. You buy annual passes because they are actually cheaper then keep buying a ticket every time, and feel fucking smug every time you hand the card over.
  26. You brag about said annual pass. A lot. And how much you save every time you go.
  27. You work out how much you have saved over the year, and tell everyone you can how much you’ve saved.
  28. Realize that feeling smug over stupid unimportant crap like an annual pass is something your mother does.

How to Spot You_re Getting Old Pic 1

Ok, so a lot of these are me, but that can’t be an overly bad thing right? One thing I’ve realized as I’ve got older is that I’m happy just being me, if no one likes that, well then that’s fine by me.

Old is the new young, right?

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Money Saving Tips For Hardworking Parents

Guest Post: Money Saving Tips For Hardworking Parents

“Ok, so this one is a bit more straight laced than i’d normally write, but please bear with it. For all of you that are unaware (that’s probably about 5 of you) i also write on S4SM about saving money, so it seemed kind of natural to accept it on here, to give you guys a few tips on saving money during what i can only call, one hell of a week. Laura”

With the school holidays fast approaching, it can seem overwhelming when you’re trying to think of how you can get out of the house without spending a small fortune. No matter how precious your little ones are, after six weeks sat at home with them all day and you’ll be crawling the walls. There’s still plenty of time to think about how you’re going to tackle the summer holidays without breaking the bank. Auto Advance have some hints and tips on how you can save for a stress-free six weeks.

Money for days out

Days out can be a good way to pass the time and keep the kids entertained before bedtime. If you’re really organised, you can plan in trips to different places in advance. This will give you time to set aside a budget and save in advance for everything you want to do. Planning ahead of time will also allow you to buy tickets a few weeks before you go to any attractions and usually places offer discount for early bookers. Try and book close enough so you can attempt to predict the weather for any outdoor activities and keep a rainy day fund for soft play centres to avoid splashing in muddy puddles.

Don’t forget to think about the little things that add up. Fuel to faraway destinations can end up costing £50 or £60 and parking for hours certainly racks up the cost so account for that in any budgets. There is also the inevitable change for ice creams and traipses through gift shops full of soft toys that lure little people in.

Vouchers

You don’t need to become an obsessive, extreme couponer to make big savings on the things you buy. During the holidays, theme parks and zoos seek to drive families through their gates so you can be sure that vouchers will be readily available. Check anything from newspapers, train tickets and cereal boxes for two for one tickets to save money. If you’re wanting to go out for a meal then there are also plenty of places where kids eat for free. Signing up to restaurants emailing lists or downloading their apps can also get you money off.

If you want something a bit different, check local arena listings to see if Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol are going to be heading to town any time soon. Again, signing up to theatres ticket lists can mean you get some savings in your inbox. For free trips out, to balance out the spending, you can visit museums and art galleries, you might even learn something too!

Indoor activities

You don’t need to go outside everyday and with the great British summer we usually experience, there will be plenty of rainy days during the holidays. Make the most of kids and baby events at supermarkets to stock up on colouring books that might save any budding artists from decorating the sofa. There are plenty of online videos on how to make your own play doh and glitter jars, if you’re feeling creative!

***Disclosure: This is a sponsored post in collaboration with Auto Advance. Please refer to our Disclosure Statement for further information. ***

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.

Review: The Unsung Mum and The Train Trip Trauma

(***Disclaimer – I was given a complimentary ticket to go visit the Watercress Line on a Thomas day out. All thoughts and actions are my own.  If you’d like to know what it’s really like aka without the funny and more factual, then please see here. For a laugh, keep reading. Thank you.***)

It’s the night before their first nappy free trip out with The Second Child and The Unsung Mum is happily dicking around on Facebook and ignoring her children when an email pops up.

Fun. Thomas the Tank Engine.

Crappers. The Unsung Mum has forgotten all about this posh trip she agreed to last month, during one of her “episodes” where she assumes because her kids haven’t fought for 2.5 seconds or pissed over her carpet for half an hour that they can handle a very middle-class day out.

“How the hell did you forget to tell me that?” asked a shocked Hub.

“Well let me see dear. Between my bollocks freelance career, a explosive two-year-old that wants to potty train but hates the sight of her own piss, a fly that scares The Eldest, so she can’t sleep for more than four hours a night, a damp problem in the newly decorated hallway, a preschool red letter I swore I paid, a dishwasher that hasn’t been emptied in two days and a million and one other things, I’m not really sure.” She finished while imagining hitting him over the head with the dominatrix Barbie she just trod on.

“Oh well, just email back and cancel. No biggy.”

No biggy? NO FUCKING BIGGY??

This is the one and properly only time The Unsung Mum had been invited to something this middle class and posh. No, they were going alright.

The Unsung Mum must not lose face, even if it is going to involve a child only seven days into potty training being able to hold the contents of her bladder for more than 3 whole seconds.

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.
FFS.

The Unsung Mum cannot visit the middle of middle-classness that is Winchester with a second child with a weaker bladder than the Radford Mum without proper supplies.

She sends The Hub out for anything he can find that will bribe his second child into submission.

At bedtime, all is right with the world and The Little Spratts go to bed lovely and quietly, giving The Unsung Mum and The Hub quality couple time together.

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.

The next day the kids wake up and decide that today they hate trains.

PANIC STATIONS.

The Eldest will only agree to go if she gets to wear lipstick and mascara and The Youngest point blank refuses to wear anything at all.

Fine. Let’s improvise.

On the way to the Watercress Line, The Hub thinks that taking a family selfie will show everyone what a happy middle class family they really are.

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.

Twat.

At the station, they bump into two guards who open train doors and smile, regardless of what you say.

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.

On a side note: Did you know that the Watercress line started life in 1865 for transporting locally grown watercress to London and beyond? No?

Well, you do now!

Anyway, it’s always a pleasure to bump into people dressed up as characters. We managed to see the Fat Controller, some dude dressed as an old-fashioned train driver and a had a picture with a person in full on tails. (Apparently, that’s what the guards wore way back when.)

After having a trip on the over zealous Diesel train and The Unsung Mum agreeing to another teacup (free) ride and go on the free bouncy castle, she decided to drum some culture into her children and make them come with her on the steam train to Alton.

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.

It’s always a pleasure going on family trips out.

The guard suggests a trip on Thomas, which is all fun and games until someone wants an almighty piss.

“Can’t you hold it?” The Unsung Mum hisses at The Youngest while smiling like Vernon Dursley.

“Need a poo. Now.”

Sharing dagger looks at each other while mentally debating which sad fool is going to take her, The Youngest decides to undress her bottom half, declaring that she now hates ladybird pants.

Great.

If receiving a physical dressing down from her youngest wasn’t enough, a good citizen of Winchester takes it on herself to congratulate The Unsung Mum on her award-winning parenting skills.

The Unsung Mum starts to get mad.

“Thank you for your opinions random posh lady. You think you’re so good at this parenting crap huh? Well fine, you probably are but you shouldn’t be putting other people down just because their kid shits on Thomas the Tank Engine then has a 20-minute tantrum over wearing pants. Giving in may be bad, and I may be raising the next gang leader of The Great British Train Robbery, but do you know what, at least she’ll be famous. So…there.”

For once, the good citizen of Winchester was lost for words.

And with that The Unsung Mum and her delinquent family swanned off towards the café, ready to spend a fiver on ice creams and other bad shit.

Watercress Line. Days Out. Thomas the Tank Engine.

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The Nine Stages to Becoming a Faultless Parent

For once, I’m going to be super helpful and share with you some of my very own top tips on how to be the very best parent ever! If you already feel that the carefully constructed felt tip pen drawings on your newly painted hallway walls really offer something extra to the room, then I’m sorry, this post isn’t for you. Fuck off.

Moving on….

Stage One: Love

Pretty simple right? All you need to give them is love and plenty of attention. 24 hours a day!!!

Stage Two: Be Helpful

You should be the ultimate player at Hungry Hippos without actually getting any tiny red balls at all i.e. willing the little red balls away from your hippo into their hippo’s mouth by intense eye contact alone.

Stage Three: Do The Impossible

Be able to fit Scout into Barbie’s suitcase, reducing Scout to the size of a pea, and enlarging the suitcase to the size of your head on demand, then back again, without breaking anything.

Stage Four:  Channel Mr. Maker

Attaching objects together with no attachable properties is your name, and keeping them there is your game.

Stage Five: Conduct Electricity

You should be in possession of a way to stream Paw Patrol at ALL times with endless battery capabilities and continuous 4G connection, even in the middle of nowhere.

Stage Six: Fun

Willingly and passionately give up your body to be used as a human climbing frame.

Stage Seven: Sporty

Never take offense to being drop kicked in the side, in the head or in your bits.

Stage Eight: Have the Attention Span of a Neurosurgeon

You should have a very high level of boredom control enabling you to play Barbies/cars/trains and trolls (insert another shit toy name here) for hours and hours without making up some lame excuse for why you can’t keep playing.

Stage Nine: Have encyclopedic knowledge on EVERYTHING

You must be able to correctly select the demanded next Topsy and Tim episode, just by reading the vague one-line description from the Sky box, while knowing exactly what is going to happen and who everyone is within the two seconds you have been sat watching it.

So to sum this all up lightly, to be loved by your children* you need to be a dazzling physic with shape-defying powers, with abs of steel and a brain so brilliant that it loves the same mind numbingly boring questions shouted at it 67543 times a day on repeat. If you are only one or two of these things, then I’m sorry, you’re as shit as the rest of us.

(* for about two days until the criteria will undoubtedly change all over again. Good luck.)

Bribery Uncut: A Mummy Diary

Day 1

Text to The Hub:

Cookies, Bribes, Mum Life

(Yes, I’ve realised how sad it is that we text each other emojis. We don’t get out much, least of all with each other, and chatting face to face is so 2007!)

He comes down the stairs from having (what I can only imagine of course) the biggest shit ever or just from his “go to” hiding place with a smirk on.

“I can’t get your children dressed. They just won’t move!” I moan. Notice how I call them his children? They are only mine when they are asleep or doing something brainy, like puzzles or not picky their nose.

“Come on girlys up the stairs.” He asks lightly, and they JUMP UP! No questions ask.

How the &^%$ does he do it? Does he have a magic wand I don’t know about? Do they just like him better? (It’s possible)

Oh well, he can be parent number 1 today, and I’ll go hide in the kitchen and pretend I’m actually cooking something organic.

Day 2

Kids at Grandmas. Don’t care! Whoop!

Day 3: Now named The Day from Hell

Despite a crappy night of musical beds and a 5 am wake-up, both kids are pretty chipper. That’s in till I mention we need to go shopping and suddenly limbs have fallen off, making walking impossible and they now only reply in one tone: screams.

The only thing that calms us all down is some well-deserved iPad time and a cookie for me. Screw the diet, and anyway, calories don’t count if they’re eaten before 8 am right?

 

Cookies, syn, eating, free

How long do you think a 4-year-old and 2-year-old would want to watch a sodding unpacking of a Kinder egg for?

cookie, brain, dead, asleep

Yep, I was pretty surprised too.

Day 4

We all felt rather wobbly and queasy as a result of a second night of musical beds and the over indulgence of unwrapping videos and cookies.

To ensure we got a better night tonight, I did the unthinkable and told them I would share my cookies if they promised to sleep tonight.

After a lot of pinky promises and nodding from the kids, I throw play-doh, cookies, and my phone at them and try to avoid getting cracked over the back of the head with it all.

Day 5

Had a slightly better night but feeling a bit stressed. When I don’t sleep I get stressed then cry. A lot. Normally only over the big things, though, like running out of The Big 3 (Cookies, Cake and Coke.) I can actually face most things in life like a ninja, but without The Big 3, well, I’m a mess!

Today I have to try and get two kids out the door, on time, looking presentable i.e no PJs and hair brushed.

Then I remember The Hub did the shopping yesterday, so I can now fulfill my master plan…

 

Eating cookies, happy mum, bribery works

No not that. Even though that would be sweet as! No. I’m going to bribe my way through it and hope for the best.

Want to see how I got on?

(Disclaimer: I was given all these cookies by Maryland to review. They where lush.)

How to Survive Baby Group’s (kind of)

Now I have two sprogs, the humble baby group is like mecca to me, I generally couldn’t live without them.

They’re cheap, not at my house and you get drinks and biscuits thrown in. What’s not to like?!

Yes, of course, like anything there are a few potholes in this plan. One being that you normally have to make really awkward small talk to a bunch of people you’ve never met, and keep a smile plastered on your face, even though Little Jimmy is screaming he wants to go home at the top of his lungs. To be honest, I don’t mind a bit of small talk. After all, small talk or not, it’s still an actual conversation with an adult, which is normally better than debating with my four-year-old on why I’m such a poo poo face, for the millionth time.

And anyway, baby groups can be fun, if you know how to navigate them right.

Issue One – Money

Unless you are one of those crazy mums who have spare time and energy to dedicate to other kids and let’s be honest, who has, then you will have to pay to get it. Cheap and cheerful, coughing up a quid shouldn’t be too hard, even if it is in five pence pieces because you’ve had to raid Freddie’s money box again.

Issue Two- Squash and Biscuits

What you don’t know is that before the group opens, all the saintly volunteers pick a straw to see which unlucky sod will be manning the refreshment counter this time. Ever tried to defuse a raging toddler who is told they can’t lick all the biscuits then put them back? It’s NOT a proper baby group without a couple of the little darlings going nuclear because they drunk each others squash either…

Issue Three- Ride Ons

What is it with playgroups and bloody ride ons? Isn’t it bad enough that my ankles get hit at home every three seconds? That I then have to pay to enter, to then have thirty little shits also drive into my poor ankles!

Then there’s the Cosy Coupe….. Directly my eyes lay sight on those plastic cars my heart sinks. Especially after explaining why they need to share the blasted thing, to then finally get a go, and then lose it because they run over to show me they now have it! Argh! Surely I can’t be the only one who dreams about killing the bloody thing, right?

Issue Four- Happy Smiley People

There are some days I turn up looking haggard on three hours sleep, and other times I’ve accidently switched the kids into ‘whinge mode’ and plan on hiding in the corner stalking childless couple’s photos on Facebook.

Telling me your John has slept for twenty-three hours and now only eats green food is NOT what baby group is about.

Baby group is about letting your kids run riot in a controlled environment while you keep one eye on them and bitch to the just as exhausted mum next to you about how come you can’t seem to “breed sleepers” like everyone else.

Issue Five- The Craft Table

My issue is this. The eldest one hates craft, while the youngest one loves it. So I’m torn between the constant pull of sitting with the little one and having her colour outside the lines on MY sheet of paper or being screamed up from the other side of the room by a child who can’t bear to play by herself for thirty seconds.

 Issue Six- Handbags at Dawn

The similarities between a playgroup and Keeping up with the Kardashians is uncanny if you think about it…

 Issue Seven- Puzzles

Just accept that none of the right pieces will ever be in the right box and deal with it woman!

Issue Eight- Packing Up

And of course, this is when they really want to play with the kitchen set, they haven’t touched all session!

Issue Nine- Singing

In any other social situation, having a bunch of adults sit around on the floor grumbling songs they barely know under their breaths would normally result in some sort of arrest or mass exorcism.

It’s okay, though, it’s almost over. Just have to get through this awkward bit then we’ve done enough parenting to warrant putting the TV on for a bit at home. Yes, this is the most boring bit ever, and you do let your mind wonder and silently ponder if this hell will ever end.

Don’t worry it does. Because before you know it, you’ll be begging to return to this group with biscuits and cheap squash after playing £4.50 a session at baby French for your little monkey to call you poo poo head in two languages. Brilliant!

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Guest Post – His and Only Well Behaved Kids Who Love Getting Their Hair Cut and Will Sit Quietly Like Little Angels

As you all know, i love a good guest post, especially one that’s as funny and truthful as this! If this is right up your street, then why not check out Helena Pugsley’s blog for yourself. 

I usually start with the “keep mentioning it to get them used to the idea” tactic for a few weeks first. Usually met with much resistance. Then I break out the “you can have whatever treat you want” bribery mode. Also usually a total fails and I still end up having to give him treats as I’ve upset him so much with my evil promises of a hair cut that it is the only way to get peace restored. This time I even tried the “your hair will get so long and knotty you will get it caught and it will really hurt” threat mode. This was met with much protesting that getting his hair cut “hurts”. Proper little Samson I have on my hands. Today I finally resorted to a combination of all three plus telling him it WAS happening today either nicely at the shop with all the aforementioned treats OR Daddy would break out the noisy clippers at home and do it. So I somehow managed to actually get him into the shop accompanied by the biggest bag of jelly snake sweets known to man and a promise that he could sit on my lap and he didn’t have to wear the cape.

So then comes the second challenge… given that I have got him into a shop aimed at cutting kids hair I don’t expect their sign to mean “His and only well behaved kids who love getting their hair cut and will sit quietly like little angels.” I explain to the lady that he is a little nervous (haha) and that it has taken a big bribe to even get him there and therefore please can he sit on my lap. You would think I had asked her to cut his hair while we pole danced naked or something. She immediately changed into “the dragon lady” (his words not mine) and started to say she couldn’t possibly do that as she had had (not got) pleurisy (wtf has that got to do with anything here?). I explained again nice and politely that it had taken a lot to even get him in the door and this was the ONLY way this was going to work, and I would hold him however she needed so she could reach him just as easily. So her next tactic was to threaten me saying “well I won’t be able to cut it properly so he will look stupid”. (Seriously!) But there was no way on earth I was leaving after the effort it had taken to get to this point so I reluctantly agreed to have a “stupid looking” kid.

So yes he ducked a few times and protested that it “hurt” the whole way through, but there was a distinct lack of tears or blood so I think we got off lightly. She delighted in telling us about a little angel who had sat so wonderfully for her earlier, and how both Isaac and another little girl, she had in today, had not (which at least made me feel better that I wasn’t alone) and I (somewhat reluctantly after she was such a moody cow) paid the fortune it cost to “the dragon” for my “stupid looking” kid’s haircut and marched him out of the shop with yet another treat. It was definitely time for a cup of tea (surely!) but no I then had to spend 20 minutes picking cut hair off a giant bag of jelly snakes. Roll on the next 2…3…or can I stretch it out to maybe 4 months time?!