Whoop! The day has finally arrived. You know the one right? This one event that you’ve been planning for months along with the other 6785 parent bloggers who have paid to attend.
That’s right. It’s Blogfest16 baby!
Well, today is the day and everyone who’s anyone can attend.
Wait. Is that Bridie on the phone?
Never mind girls. Who ever said three’s a crowd probably wasn’t a mum anyway.
Now to get there. Well, Ten Things comes from somewhere North of London, so she’ll have to sort herself out.
You want to drive because you haven’t had a drink since 1995 and are pretty sure just the sight of alcohol will have you spluttering out your life story to the nearest girl in the loo at Wetherspoons. Crap!
Don’t worry love, it’s ok to be scared and feeling old. Grab another biscuit and put your pyjamas back on, everything will be alright.
So now you only have four options:
- You drive but have no fun
- You take the train but feel like you’ve been mugged in broad daylight
- Take the National Express but lose two hours of your life sat next to a smelly tween.
- Stay at home and look after the kids
Top Tip: Check how many kids will be on the coach. Being stuck in a tin can with your own Spratts is bad enough, but being trapped in front of other people’s is just a horror film waiting to happen.
Time to meet up with your friends. You feel weirdly pleased that everyone else decided to go with option 3 and all look like a haggard version of Sara Pascoe. Apart from Jane who went for secret option number 5 and took a taxi, and looks a bit like Davina McCall. Now now ladies….
Never mind – you’ve made it and it’s everything you hoped it would be. Look, everyone has their cameras out. Make sure you upload it to Instagram or Facebook as proof of what an amazing time you’re having without the kids.
Ok, maybe not.
You’ll be fine once you’ve ingested some carbs.
The upshot is that you’re totally not drunk anymore….
It can be very tempting to go back to your digs for the night and fall asleep, but NO, this is your day off and you have so many more fun things to do….
Like, visit Tesco for more booze…
Collect your room key from an upstanding gentleman…
Hell, why not hit a club? You’re only 31 for fuck’s sake. You can handle it!
OK, you’re back. You (not me, obvs) might have mislaid the keys somewhere, can’t work out the buzzer so start to shout obscenities through the letterbox while kicking the door. Thank fuck for Ten Things though, who realizes that the buzzer is actually a swipe machine and the lost keys are really in your other pocket.
Who cares anyway, because you guys are living it large. Whoop!!
…before deciding to crawl into bed half clothed for a lovely, lovely long sleep.
Bollocks. Did you all forget that you’re kid-free this morning?
At least you didn’t forget that you booked the coach for the return as well and promised The Hub a trip round Ikea when you got home….
Oh, you did?