If you’ve watched the news recently (and let’s be honest, you’ve probably got time for such leisure because you don’t have kids) then you’ll know that there is a serious epidemic of Tutters Lip currently spreading across the UK.
Myths and conspiracies include:
The primary trigger point for Tutters Lip is the everyday child. The disease is thought to have started in nice cafes and trendy bistros in the capital where parents are preoccupied with life and temporarily unable to dispense disciplinary tactics. A high number of incidents have been reported where patients have been trying to enjoy a peaceful cup of tea, attempting to run the Waitrose gauntlet avoiding buggy lash, or innocently waiting for the local bus.
Unfortunate symptoms may include emitting a devil stare to the perpetrating child, uncontrollable eye rolling towards the parent, and the blurting of heinous clichés to sleep deprived members of society.
Public Health England have issued the following advice to promote maximum avoidance:
- No posh tea shop or bistro is safe. Please do not think that the unpronounceable bread names or exotic coffees make it a child free zone. Children are adapting and are slowly migrating into new areas previously thought to be hostile to them. Hummus and sweetbreads are the new crisps and sweets to many families.
- If the establishment has steps, use them quickly but safely. Much like zombies, parents cannot generally handle stairs, as besieged as they are with buggies and overflowing bags of crap. Small children will dash towards stairs like a moth to a flame, however, so execute your steps with care.
- Identify the ticking time bomb that is the randomly placed box of chewed toys. These lurk in GP waiting rooms and will act as a beacon for all children. Site yourself as far as possible from the box of doom, or risk being entrenched in the firing line as books from 1978 are flung around like Frisbees.
- In addition to the risk of concussion, sitting too close to the hellish box will render vulnerable citizens as wide open targets for airborne cooties. A reminder: the toys and books are OLD and will harbor a legion of time-resistant bugs. Avoid like the plague (literally).
- Before entering anywhere, check the clientele. Are pets allowed? Is there anyone wearing a stupid hat? Does anyone present have an unruly amount of facial hair? Small humans are incapable of ignoring anyone or anything that looks slightly out of place or different. Think strategically about where to place yourself. If you sit by the toilets, it is likely that a small person and their carer will pass you at some point. If all the earlier steps fail and you find yourself under attack from a child and can feel Tutters Lip coming on, try this simple but successful tactic. Get up and move.
Remember that the ratio of victim to perpetrator is likely to be 1:2 – one of you, two of them, and a “please rescue me” jailer. This pack mentality makes them easier still to spot – you can also look out for the associated paraphernalia which may include buggies, scooters, trikes, changing bags, snacks (think cardboard), bottles, and dummies. Always attempt to skirt AROUND their trajectory, never directly through it. This could give you (and them) a very bad case of Tutters Lip and possibly a dose of verbal diarrhea.
Shopping centres, supermarkets, garden centres and pet stores are full of young children between the hours of 9am-3pm. Children who bring on Tutters Lip have a lot of energy, are inquisitive and loud. These can be easily spotted and avoided by looking over at their parent or guardian. It is possible they have a case of Tutters Lip also, probably brought on by another 5.30am start and the endless questions on what the cat is doing RIGHT this very second. Avoid, do not engage.
It is well known that a simple case of Tutters Lip can make others around you grumpy, violent and hostile. Trying to contain your Tutters Lip for more than ten minutes would be considered good conduct.
Top tip: Pissing a parent or guardian off is not advised, even with severe causes of Tutters Lip. They have been known to tell the small child that there is chocolate in your bag or coat and watch in amusement as you beg for mercy while being terrorised to within an inch of your life.
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