First off, that title is whack, as it’s not really six weeks, is it? It’s bloody eight weeks, taking into account all the shitting insert days and half days.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a blast and I’ve been mega lucky to have had The Hub home for two of those eight weeks. We weren’t brave enough to go away (I’m not suicidal) but we did some good old day trips while each taking it in turns to cross off a day on the calendar. September will come damn it!
Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a heads up on some of the things I’ve learned during my first kid infested six-week headache holiday….
3. And argue over who packs the car just to get out of watching The Kid take her third dump of the day.
5. You threaten to call Super Nanny in 7983 times a day because your kids are so badly behaved.
6. But wouldn’t do it really because she scares the shit out of you. Who wants goody two shoe kids anyway right? (Me!!)
7. When your kids say please and thank you to old relatives you feel like having more.
8. Then remember why you don’t.
9. iPods/iPhones/TV/Wifi, in general, are worth their weight in gold, silver, bronze and any other valuable metal.
10. Make a list of all the things you want to do at the start of the holiday, as by the end you’ll have no brain power left or any motivation at all to think of anything.
11. The beach keeps all ages amused.
12. You think you’ll have shit loads of time on your hands and plan to cook loads of amazing middle-class meals with posh ingredients. Then don’t because you realise you can’t actually fucking cook and no one will eat it anyway.
13. After having a nice family day out, you decide to finish it off with a meal out, child-friendly of course. Then regret it. Again.
14. Soft play isn’t soft. (And sucks, but I didn’t need the holidays to learn that!)
15. Agreeing to go to some bastard relatives’ party with the kids and letting them stay up till 11pm will be fine because they’ll probably have a lay in any way. All that shitting dancing and running around must have done them in.
16. Despite the 11pm bedtime and crazy dad dancing both still wake 8765 times in the night then wake up at 5am with the blasted sun.
17. Thinking of games, you can play while tired hungover is good but keeping them interested is fucking hard.
18. Putting endless episodes of Peppa fucking Pig and Paw Patrol on repeat is fine, just to get another half an hour shut eye.
19. Parenting all day for six eight weeks should be considered an Olympic sport.
20. Nursery workers and teachers must really be angels in disguise.
21. You’ll say for fuck sake and fucking hell 6578 times a day under your breath while secretly swigging wine from the bottle at 11am.
22. By the time September comes you wonder how the hell you survived.
23. But then start thinking of more crazy shit you can all get up to in the last week because you already miss them and can’t see yourself surviving without them for 5 seconds.