How to Rid Yourself of the Mothers’ Group Twatty McTroll Face

This is Twatty McTroll Face.

Twatty McTroll Face dwells in the dark world of mothers’ groups.Instead of carrying a wooden mallet, she has a bucket of shit, that she’ll throw at you when you’re at your lowest. Which, let’s be honest, is quite a lot.

Twatty McTroll Face’s main purpose in life is to make you feel as crap about yourself as possible. If you’re not into baby led weaning or don’t bother wearing a bra on the school run, then, whoo, you better watch out!  She’s so clever that she starts to make you question your very sanity, and before you know it will have you questioning if you’re eating organic enough or if you really are killing the world by using disposable nappies. (You aren’t.)

As your confidence as a matriarch grows, so does her insults.

She might be hard to spot though due to that pesky lady mask she wears everywhere, which changes depending on where you are.

She’s at her most monstrous though when you’re pregnant.

You see, it’s in a matriarchs DNA to be a bit bitchy, but being a troll is like being a dog on heat. She feeds off of others meanness and attacks. To Twatty McTroll Face, there is only green, no grey.

She loves swinging shit around whenever she can, and if you don’t duck quick enough (and who can when you feel like the size of an elephant) then you will probably be hit. So by the time you actually give birth, you’re covered in so much troll shit that you can’t see your confident spark anymore.

It doesn’t help that she changes her mask regularly. So just when you think you’ve figured out who it is, she’ll stop, and put another mask on to continue her reign of bullshit remarks.

But sometimes, when she’s feeling especially green, she’ll resort to the lowest form of shit throwing of all; anonymous net bashing. She can be found in most places, but her favourite haunts are online baby groups, where she can inflict the maximum damage possible.

She will come across all nice at first. Ask how your baby is, if she is hitting all the milestones, then proceed to tell you that her baby is only a year old and is part of the British Olympic gymnastic team and has a black belt in kung Fu.

Twatty McTroll Faces ultimate goal is to make you forget that you are a strong woman, a matriarch, and wants you to sink so low that you no longer have any confidence at all.

She hates brilliant women, and if by chance, you can’t afford a cleaner five days a week or make your own houmous, then she will attack, like the raging troll she is.

She doesn’t care if you’ve had a bad day and need someone to brain dump all over. She won’t bother finding out if you suffer with depression, have been cheated on, have been shat on too many times or haven’t slept for three years straight.

What you don’t realize is that Twatty McTroll Face really just wants attention. Hiding behind the closed world of the dreaded mummy group makes her feel powerful, but really she’s not.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot you can do about Twatty McTroll Face or her online world. She will always be there in many of her disguises, and will only increase her shit throwing as your matriarchdom grows.

However, there is a small way to tame her and keep her shit out of your way as much as possible.

Confidence in yourself.

This tiny spark can be found deep inside your heart, behind all that muscle and cholesterol.

Twatty McTroll Face doesn’t want you to find your spark again. She wants it buried forever like her own, stuck in the constant flow of trying to be beyond perfect and failing miserably; but if you shut your eyes real tight, switch off crappy Instagram and delete shitty Facebook, you might just catch a small glimpse of it.

To help it grow, ask fellow matriarchs for help. You know deep down the ones to ask. Virtual or not, these amazing kick-ass women can help you scrape that troll shit off and help your confidence spark shine bright again.

These beautiful matriarchs come in all shapes, sizes and from all kinds of walks of life.

Twatty McTroll Face only hates two things. Being ignored and unity. It makes her feel useless and worthless when you continue to trust other remarkable women and get smart to her shit throwing.

Annoyingly she never gives up. As long as your confidence continues to shine then she will continue to grow along with you. Confident matriarchs do seem the perfect breeding ground for Twatty McTroll Face, so there is only one answer:

Shine bright. And be the beacon that helps other matriarchs wipe that shit away, and show that however much shit is swung, it won’t and can’t bring you down.And hey, there’s always violence right? Which of course I don’t condone 🙂

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
Run Jump Scrap!
Mudpie Fridays


  1. This had me laughing and I loved the pictures! I bet a lot of us have come across one of these before, and I think you’ve found a great way to deal with them (am not referring to the violence obviously!). #KCACOLS


  2. Funny and sad at the same time, there are people who want to be horrible and thats sad. Then theres people like you who will shine out and make us feel better by being so bloomin funny:) well done you:)
    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.
    Mainy x


  3. This is such a fabulous post. It definitely happens – Twatty McTrollFace is out there in many guises – and we have to rely on each other to care for each other. And those of us who hate hummus have to stick together too. #BloggerClubUK


  4. Haha yes I’ve definitely met a few of these before! They’re the ones that ALWAYS hand bake all their cakes for school or at least pretend to! I always ignore them. Fab post #bestandworst


  5. Oh yeah, had this when my oldest was failing in all her milestones. “Are you not baby led weaning?”, “Is she not potty trained yet?” Had to start wearing my (imaginary) shit repellent poncho to protect me and my lovely girl. #bloggerclubuk


  6. Oh so true!!!! I think weaning and leaving to cry are the new politics and religion, subjects I just won’t discuss for fear of tatty mc trollfaces revealing themselves! x


  7. Oh so true!!!! I think weaning and leaving to cry are the new politics and religion, subjects I just won’t discuss for fear of tatty mc trollfaces revealing themselves! x #bloggerclubuk


  8. Ha ha, this is a funny take on something quite serious. Enjoyed reading. I don’t understand why people can’t just be happy for others and feel the need to condemn, when quite frankly it’s not their place or business! #kcacols


  9. “Troll face of Twat” and “Butcher of meat, not people.” BEST QUOTES EVER! This is genius. So glad I read this, it’s really made me chuckle. How long did it take you to make/write? And how do you do it? I am not techy at all!! #KCACOLS


  10. Fortunately there’s plenty of good people out there who are on your side, but some people can definitely be a proper pain in the arse. Fortunately they’re generally the ones who are the most insecure and most worried about what everyone else things. If everyone just minded their our business it would be so much easier! #KCACOLS


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