Why Us Mothers Are All Child Abusing Knobs…Apparently

Dare I say it but I’m a mum and yes I’m doing everything wrong. On purpose, just to piss you off.

I only have to read the papers, Facebook or comments at the bottom of blogs (like mine) to grasp quickly that mums like me are the bloody worst people in the whole wide world.

Not only are we as bad as terrorists and murderers, but we damn right refuse to apologise for it.

It’s this kind of brazenly reckless behaviour that makes us a stain on our community.

And the worst culprits for all this bashing? My fellow mums.

How dare we:

Put kids into childcare

Can’t afford to feed or clothe your kids? What? On all that benefit you receive you thieving scoundrel! Clearly, that’s a lie. No-one uses childcare because they can’t afford food, they use it so they can earn more money for bigger holidays, cars and clothes for their little scallywags.  And don’t give me that crap about childcare teaching kids how to socialise. That’s a lot of bull. You just like palming them off so you can go get your nails done or your hair cut.

Stay-at-home

You selfish bitch. While the rest of the country works, you’re sat at home on your arse doing f-all. Shame on you! Why isn’t your house spotlessly clean? Why do the kids always look like they’ve been through a hedge backwards? You have ALL the time in the world for god sake, what do you do all day?

 

Stay at home

Who are you to decide that being a mum is valid work? Pfft. You know what real work is? Working an eight-hour day with only a one-hour lunch break, that’s what!

 Be in an LBGTQ Relationship

 This goes against everything you where ever taught. We all know that kids only grow up stable if they have a mum AND dad. Healthy relationships and strong bonds be damned, kids need a mum for love and dads for discipline. Worked in the past and nothing’s changed.

 Be Single

Great, another one who just wants a free house and who got pregnant on purpose. Your kids are probably living in a cardboard box while you drive around in your brand new BMW wearing the latest fashion.

Single Mums

 

Be Married

 Marriage is a form of suppression; you are no longer a feminist and are a shit role model to your girls. They will grow up thinking that they need a man to support them, so will never be able to hold down a stable job and will end up becoming an airhead with no thoughts of their own.

 Breastfeed

 Breastfed kids always remember sucking their mum’s tits. They will turn into lustful little sex pests who won’t take no for an answer. They should be put on the sex offender list at birth so everyone is aware where the next pervs will be. If you insist on using your breasts to feed, then at least do it in private where no one can see you, your kid or your flaunting breasts.

breastfeeding

Boobs should be saved for bikini’s only. Abusing your kid in a restaurant while we’re all trying to eat just isn’t on!

 Not breastfeed

Formula-fed children grow up to look like Golem from Lord of the Rings. Their face will be pale and sweaty, their eyes will be beady and their limbs will be misshapen and scrape on the floor. Destined to a life of nothing but murmuring illogically while trying to find “my precious” from the confines of a wet and slimy cave.

Precious

 Co-sleep

 What a cock and bull idea. Bet all this talk about attachment parenting and regulating heartbeats was made up by some posh university type. Stick them in their own room quick and shut the door as soon as you hear a noise. That will show em whose boss!

cO-SLEEP

 Sleep Train

 Talk about damaging your kids! Who cares if you haven’t slept in months and you’re currently seeing double, that’s no excuse. We all know that kids who where sleep trained grow up emotionally void and only like green vegetables.

 Have Heavy Kids

Your kids are too fat to be swimsuit models. They need to follow the curve in their Red Book exactly or you’re just doing something wrong.

If your three-year-old son doesn’t have abs like Ryan Reynolds or hair like Justin Bieber then you’re a shit mum.

In fact, you are a child abuser. You can tell us it’s genetic, that it’s puppy fat, that your child is medically perfectly healthy, none of that matters. If you don’t have the good sense to put your child on the Atkins Diet straight away and weigh them morning and night while forcing them to develop eating disorders by demeaning them, we’ll do it for you. That’s what social media is for.

Have Kind and Enthusiastic Offspring

Ugh. You make me sick.  You clearly brought up flawless brats just to rub it in our faces. You have no right to have an opinion on anything because your life is too easy and perfect. Your kids will probably grow up to be drug dealers, suicide bombers or politicians.

Puree

Don’t you know that you’ll still be blending food when they’re ten? Kids who don’t learn how to pick up spoons or folks by one will have weak arms and their fingers will drop off.

Puree

Baby Led Wean

OMG your baby is going to die and come back and haunt you.

Not be a Knob   

The best mothering involves criticising other women and their offspring.

Find a mum who’s really down and looks like she’s having a shit day; attack. Hiding behind social media is the best way but whispering behind her back at a play ground is just as fun.

If she feeds/disciplines/shouts or swears at her kids; get her, straight away. Call the police. Put her kids in care and shove her in the stocks as she’s a revolting human being.

What ever you do don’t let her kids anywhere near yours as they will shrink two feet and suddenly love countdown.

Your kids will be watching so make sure you really stick the knife in and tell her she could have at least brushed her hair and changed her three-day old puked on jeans. Go for gold and tell her how your kids have slept through the night since three weeks. (Even if it’s a big fat lie.)

You need to make sure your sweet little wide-eyed cherubs are looking though, so they grow up to be just as mean, narrow-minded and phony as you.

After all, that’s not counted as child abuse, is it?

The Pramshed
3 Little Buttons
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
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44 comments

  1. Funny. Actually I was a Cow and Gate babe and on a bad day look a bit like Golem, so they might have a point. Unless it was the genes. I like your drawings too. #fortheloveofBLOG

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  2. I’ve just entered toddler temper zone, so I expect my neighbours may call social services over these next few years. Won’t get your teeth brushed? Wail. Hate putting your shoes on? Bawl. Won’t eat a bit of broccoli but want another finger of fudge? Scream. It’s hair wash night…..say no more.

    Love this post and especially all your drawings. Kids in box while you’re off buying shoes in your new swanky BMW – haha love it.

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    1. Yep my youngest is almost two so i feel you. The eldest is almost 4 and is like a teen. Hate seems to be her fav word and she changes what she wants and likes by the second! Thanks for your comment about the pics. I had a rocking patch last week with them when i wasn’t to sure if they where working but i think they do, and i just love doing em!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It does tend to feel like you can’t do anything right. Like no matter which decision you make in how to raise your child there are always people around to attack and judge you. This made me laugh so thanks for sharing! #ForTheLoveOfBlog

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  4. I love the one about formula feed and the other one about being a SAHM. People have no idea what they’re talking about. Being a mummy is the hardest job ever!!! #KCACOLS

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  5. Really enjoyed that!! Every way you choose to bring up a child will be wrong to someone somewhere!! Also loved the drawings and the helpful arrow to demonstrate the car was a car – very helpful 😂😂 #KCACOLS

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    1. Yep, i’m well known in my Facebook for my crap drawings. It was pointed out on my page a few months ago that a few people weren’t sure what i was drawing so i thought, right, ill just arrow them then! The issue is, is that i love drawing but drawing hates me!! 🙂 I think my 3 year old could do a better job! haaaaaa

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  6. Nail: Head. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m doing everything wrong. I get it; I’m not perfect. Who is? Why can’t we all just be nice to each other, instead of perpetuating this shitty one-upmanship? Gah! #KCACOLS

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  7. I only noticed all of the mum bashing after becoming one, but it really is relentless! (Although your pic of the baby with the broom made me laugh – my toddler LOVES the broom! Not that he manages to do any ‘actual’ cleaning with it!) Thanks for making me smile! #KCACOLS

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  8. Excellent blog. I really enjoyed reading this and smiled a knowing smile! I learnt a while ago to shrug this sort of thing off, when I became – A MUM WHO CYCLES WITH HER CHILDREN (horror!) and A MUM WHO WORKS AWAY DURING THE WEEK (you wouldn’t believe the number of comments I got about this – as if I’d left the kids unattended all week, rather than at home with their stay-at-home dad – of course another thing that causes judgement!). Most parents are trying do what’s best for their kids – we all have unique circumstances and struggle along trying to do the best for our kids and ourselves. Keep up the great blog!

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  9. Aha I love this! So funny. Oh god it’s ridiculous, you literally can’t do anything without someone piping up. I am pretty good at ignoring people, thankfully. I think my biggest bugbear is breastfeeding – it is as if people genuinely think breastfeeding mums should not leave the house if their child may need feeding while they’re out. Makes me so mad! Love your illustrations too, they are hilarious. #DreamTeam

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  10. Shamefully this is the first time I’ve looked at your drawings properly and read the accompanying words, but better late than never! This is really funny. Mums absolutely can’t do right for doing wrong. Loved the bikini drawing with the paper-bag head lady vs hot bikini tits 😂 #KCACOLS

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  11. I really enjoyed reading this and the pictures really added to it, accentuated the utter silliness of what you were talking about. People will always judge I guess but if they didn’t then you’d have nothing to write about 🙂 #DreamTeam

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  12. You make some excellent points here. You are using great humour to tackle actually a really quite serious issue. Nowadays, with faceless social media, people think they can say what the hell they want. People seem so quick to judge these days and I think you are spot on in your take that it is other mums who are doing a lot of the criticising. Alison x #KCACOLS

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  13. This is hilarious – I absolutely love your drawings! So true, and I love your humour which highlights how blooming bonkers the judgement mothers receive from everyone around them. I love finding a mother who is having a shit day and attack!! Fab post, thank you for linking up to #dreamteam xx

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  14. There is a lot of righteous (and justifiable) anger here.

    The constant level of scrutiny must be exhausting.

    You make a good point that this type of polarised approach to parenting (amongst other things) is setting a very dangerous approach to model. The line between finger wagging passive aggressiveness and death threats as a default response to any perceived difference of opinion is worryingly thin.

    #StayClassyMama

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  15. xD Love this! Before I became one I wouldn’t even have believed some of the BS motherhood debates out there. I especially loved the one about the little arm muscles wasting away because of negligent puree feeding, total class! x #KCACOLS

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  16. I loved reading this! There is no win-win solution for us Mum’s we are brandished for everything for do. I was actually laughing as I read this as I can relate to a lot of things. Breastfeeding, thank god we nipped that in the bud 10 months, otherwise it might have continued forever. Sleep training we had to do this to get out of the hell, that was the 4-month sleep regression. Purees, always, still do, even at 11-months. But really who cares, it’s our baby and we choose what we are going to do with them. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

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  17. Genius and hilarious. You are awesome. End of story. You’ve put such a great spin on something that is the most frustrating part of being a parent, nothing is EVER right. Breastfeed, bottle feed, sleep train, co sleep, what the fuck? When I entered this baby world, I had no idea I was going to have to make so many damn choices. I wish I had taken a class on How To Make the Best Decision. Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama.

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  18. I’m surprised any of these children prosper being left in our care making so many mistakes. Parenting is an industry where you can’t do right for being wrong. No qualifications and no pass marks. We have to be our own judges. I also like your drawings #KCACOLS

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    1. Yeah it certainly isn’t easy being a parent is it and everyone seems to what to chuck there penny in too. Annoys me how we can’t just all get on with it without making someone else feel bad about there own choices. Thanks for commenting about the pics. I had a bit of a flap about them last week and couldn’t decide if they where working. So pleased they are! Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. haha this is brilliant! I love it! Your drawings are amazing. The one with the bikini made my day! LOL so funny. It is true all the things that you hear about us mums but we are not perfect and we do what we can. Love your sarcasm! Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. It is great to have you back, 🙂 x

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    1. Thanks so much Franca and cheers for commenting! To have someone as massive in the blogging world to say that they enjoyed it really makes my day so thank you. Cheers for the comments about the pics. I’m so bad a drawing but love it so much and can never really get to my camera in time to snap my little ones doing all these things!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Amazing! Love your drawings – The paper bag / breastfeeding one is so very true! I’m not entirely sure what “those with the cats bum faces” would prefer – as just as you so perectly capture: “formula is clearly the devils work”. I didn’t know about the added Gollum side effect. Crikey! Brilliant post. Very funny, but sadly you’ve got it so incrediby spot on! This mum thing is hard enough without all the bashing. Xx

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  21. ‘insist on using your breasts to feed’ ‘seeing double’ ‘that’s what social media is for’…ha ha haaaaa! Totally brilliant and utterly hilarious but oh so true and depressing at the same time!! What the hell happened to live and let live? Loved this. #dreamteam

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  22. Made me laugh. I do not have children, but I really want some. Looks like the toughest job ever..oh well. I’ve heard once you become a mummy you gain all the especial powers needed to master it 🙂

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