A Zoo Special: A Tale of Two Giraffes

So last week consisted of many epic parenting fails, but there is one that sticks out plain and centre.

I made the stupid mistake of taking my two monkeys to the zoo, by myself, without any sort of play date buffer to help distract them (i.e an unglorified babysitter so I don’t have to watch them 24/7.)

We headed to The Kids favourite spot. The giraffe enclosure where an array of these beautiful creatures were eating/shitting/licking everything in sight when The Kid asked the one question every parent dreads (okay, maybe the second question.)

“Mummy, what’s that?” She asked pointing at the giraffes neither regions.

“A giraffe H.” I replied, purposely ignoring what she was really pointing at.

“No mummy. That?”

There it is. That four letter word. That. What do I say? Tell her the truth or lie through my teeth? Ummm.

“That’s a penis H.” I said wearily knowing full well where this was going.

“Yes, but what does it do?” She asked, her cute little questioning face squashed up in confusion.

“Well.” I puffed trying to regain my composure. “It doesn’t really do anything.”  Well apart from the obvious of course.  “Apart from weeing.” I said quickly. “That’s how they wee.”

“Like Daddy.” She said confidently, with a very proud look on her face.

“Right.”

Hoping that was the end of that I dragged the kids outside and we watched them being fed by the keeper.

“Mummy mummy there’s something wrong with that one.”

Panicked that one was going to die right in front of us I looked quickly. Not seeing any raging zombie giraffes or whatever I stood confused.

“Mummy what’s up with it?”

I swear to God I stared and couldn’t see anything but five giraffes with long weird tongues eating a bunch of leaves.

“That one mummy.” She pointed again, her voice rising. “That one’s penis has dropped off.”

I spat out laughing and quickly covered my mouth as the keeper scowled in my direction.

“It hasn’t fallen off H, she’s a girl giraffe.”

Complete chaos. I could see her processing it. What? No PENIS?!

“But mummy, you have a penis too don’t you?”

By this point, the mum next to me had given up and packed her kids up and hurried away. Couldn’t blame her to be honest. If I could have beamed H anywhere else, I would have.

“No baby, mummies don’t have penises remember? We have vaginas.” I replied in what I hoped was a very pleasant and patient voice.

“Oh.” She stared directly into my eyes, all sad. “Has yours dropped off too?”

Oh, come on! Please let a natural disaster hit me right now! Please.

“No H. I’ve never had a penis. Err…sorry?” I said, trying to smile but grimacing instead.

If only that was the end of it. But the darn daddy giraffe decided to use that exact second to mount the mummy one.

“Come on H. We’re going.”

“But why mummy?” She asked head turned, staring at the naughty giraffes.

“Because we are.” I muttered, half dragging half pulling her while trying to steer a buggy that suddenly didn’t want to go the same way as me.

“But mummy I want to stayyyyyy!” She screamed, kicking off the mother of all tantrums and consequently, as The Baby loves to do, starts her crocodile crying and Houdini trick, trying to get out the buggy.

Face palm.

Note to self: Skip the giraffe pen next time, it just ain’t worth it. Oh, and telling the truth ALL the time, to a three-year-old is a shit idea. Darn fancy assed parenting books!

 

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21 comments

  1. These are fun conversations to have! Especially in public! You have to navigate the tricksiness of what you are going to say as well as wondering how the parents around you have handled this moment. Sounds like you did as well as you could on the hop! Kudos for using the word vagina!

    #KCACOLS

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    1. Yep in our house no word is considered bad….well maybe one or two 🙂 My eldest loves being naked and just assumes that that rest of us do too, hence many awkward conversations normally in front of old relations or my dad lol #KCACOLS

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! The Kid is at that annoying age (3) where she has NO filter what so ever. I don’t mind too much but i go get scared in social situations when i wonder what she is going to ask….and you can always bet your bottom dollar that she will ask it when the room goes ultra quiet! Kids!

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  2. Oh no! This was hilarious. I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to my little one asking me these kids of questions, or if I’m dreading it! #KCACOLS

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  3. Every week consists of an epic parenting fail for me! We also went to a zoo this week and it went surprisingly well – although Misery Guts and I both had one melt down during the day! #KCACOLS

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  4. You’re having a giraffe! I feel your toddler angst there. Never ever do they ask an awks question when you’re alone, its always within earshot of other people! I’m looking forward to the teenage years when I plan to be hugely embarrassing – will probably come naturally!x

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  5. This should of come with a warning made me choke on my drink lol! So funny you gota love a good toddler grilling session in public #kcacols

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  6. haha this was funny!! I have never seen a giraffe’s willy before! I’m now wondering how they look lol!! My eldest daughter always asks me the most challenging questions and I always try to answer her with the true as much as I can of course! 😉 Sometimes it is not a good idea but sometimes she gets it and it resolves the problem to having to invent a silly story LOL Of course there are subjects that I need to be careful like the one you experienced here, 😉 Oh no, the public tantrums are my worst nightmare! Thanks so much for sharing this funny post at #KCACOLS. It is lovely to have you here. I hope I can see you again tomorrow, 🙂 xx

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  7. Omg omg omg lol! So it’s 2:30am I can’t sleep and I happen across this post. Honestly nearly peeing my pants giggling while trying to hold my breath so I don’t wake my husband. ‘zombie giraffe’ got me first and I couldn’t stop from there. Love this post.

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